Log in

Closure. - In The Cage [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | In The Cage (The Nine Zero Experience) ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Closure. [Apr. 20th, 2010|03:25 pm]
[Feelin... |melancholymelancholy]
[Download THIS! |The final disc.. 'Our Last Dance'.]

James Blunt - Same Mistake

"Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep..
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet..
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go..

Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go..

And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself, and here I go..

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice..
Give me reason but don't give me choice,
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again..

And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep,
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go..

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice..
Give me reason but don't give me choice,
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again..

Saw the world turning in my sheets.. and once again I cannot sleep..
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars..
Look at the stars fall down..
And wonder where.. did I go wrong.."


Tasty beverages. The triplets. Red or green? Blue if I had to. All the colors of the rainbow are available.

All meant the same thing to me.. for YEARS.

Mad Dog 20/20.

I used to tell close friends that MD 20/20 was the only thing I could always turn to and it would never disappoint me.

Three bottles every night like clockwork. (Three identical bottles. Triplets.)

Usually start around 6PM.. wrap it up a little after midnight..

It's a different buzz. Not like the one you get from hard stuff or beer.

Wake up in the morning, no hangover. Ever. A little foggy, but small price to pay. Right?


Drinking has caused me nothing but aggravation for years.. my friends put up with my 'lost conversations', booze has kept me from doing things I love, has caused an absolutely COUNTLESS amount of injuries, (including the one I am nursing now; a HUGE scrape up my back and sore left arm), it may or may not have cost me my favorite car in Vegas, sure as shit didn't help my marriage and when I was on my 2 handles of cheap vodka every 3 days kick? Nearly killed me.

When I say nearly killed me, I am saying randomly throwing up at any time, anywhere.. I needed a bag in my car just in case.. I dropped 35 pounds in 2 months. THAT'S when I stopped last.. that was in Vegas, around Thanksgiving 2008. It lasted almost 2 months until I 'got depressed' again (otherwise known as found an excuse to drink) and went back to my old friend, MD 20/20..

I had stopped drinking it when I moved from Massachusetts. Vegas was supposed to be our start to healthier things (Cora and I) and MD 20/20 was not going to be part of my new life. But when I realized I couldn't drink the hard stuff anymore, I found the loophole.. back to 20/20 I went.

Being single in Vegas was a choice. I was content living there, loveless and single. I didn't need a woman, or want one. No dating, no one night stands, no interest.. so to me, it didn't matter if I was drinking that much. This trend continued from February 2009 on.. then that whole Facebook Faceoff thing happened and I came home to visit..

The story has been written and done to death.. came home to visit, awesome visit, awesome party and got unexpectedly blindsided by love in the process.

So I came home and started this new relationship, and although I wasn't drinking as much as I was in Vegas, I eventually gravitated to it.. all the setbacks I was hitting with the car repairs and job failures 'caused' me to fall back into old habits..

Drinking that much just doesn't go with love.. How could I have ever loved her, or taken care of her when I didn't even care about myself? It took it's toll. And once again, I lost something important to me. I lost her.

Even though she and I split over a month ago, I never got closure until today. We met for a walk this morning. I didn't know what to expect from the conversation, I went in hoping we might start fresh and spend time together doing the things we never really got a chance to do.. Also knowing there were a lot more obstacles down the road if it ever did get serious (again).. I figured there was nothing guaranteed, but we should find out. That this was too important to give up on.

What I didn't expect was her telling me how easy it was to tell when I was drinking.. and she used "Jeckyll and Hyde" to describe it. I just never realized how bad I could be when I drink that much. And how could I? I have a history of forgetting entire conversations depending on how deep into the night I am.

There was no fixing this. There was no do-over. This was it. She told me she loved spending time with me sober, had no regrets, and reminisced a little.. but the phone calls stopped because of my drinking after Va;entine's Day. I never knew why she just STOPPED talking to me on the phone. I was too busy trying to figure out what her problem was instead of my own. She's right, I never even thought of it. Whenever I would see her, I would stay sober. If I wasn't going to see her, I was drinking.

I have no one to thank but myself for it.

Ironically, I haven't touched a drop of MD 20/20 in ten days. Once I got the gig at Budweiser, there was no way I could keep drinking like that.. not a job you can do in a fog, or at my current shape.. so I joined the gym, stopped drinking, other than socially.. and it's been an easy transition, I hated doing it anyway.

The thought that will continue to haunt me? Of all the great things she and I experienced together, how I was when I was drunk was so bad, there was no way to restart it. It outweighed the good by that much? That's hard to swallow. But it is what it is.. can't change it now.

I can only make sure I don't do it again. If I decide to date again anytime soon.

And I'll be honest, living that way in Las Vegas, single and carefree is one thing. Doing it HERE is very, very lonely. There is no neon here, and everyone goes to bed at the same time. There is nowhere to turn at 3AM in this town.

I'm not convinced she was the answer to all my prayers. There were still a LOT of issues we never even got to. I do believe I am home for a reason, after SWEARING I wasn't coming home from Vegas.

Looking forward to seeing what that reason truly is.

[User Picture]From: mackmace
2010-04-21 03:55 am (UTC)
I had no idea, ever time I stopped out in the desert to see you...
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ninezero
2010-04-23 09:04 pm (UTC)
You saw me in the afternoons, (never drink during the day) or after work at 2AM and started then..
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: (Anonymous)
2010-04-21 12:38 pm (UTC)
Your Mom had the same reaction...I could tell as soon as I walked in the door, without even seeing her, whether Black or white Gloria was there. It wasn't about being drunk, It was the Mood, or attitude that came from it.... Angry/Mean. Get yourself straight Pal. You have alot of living to do and have waited too long to start.No-one rings the bell for you, You know when to start! Love ya Pal!
(Reply) (Thread)