|It's like July, but it's NOT.
||[Jun. 24th, 2010|11:45 pm]
|||||Rooney - When Did Your Heart Go Missing?||]|
"Now here I sit in a cage on my own, it's a new life, it's a brand new home.. And it's made out of steel, it's built out of fear, it's closed up to you, and it's part of the deal.. If I only knew the things I know now, then I'd take it all back, and I'd turn it around." 6.24.10
It's amazing that lyrics from SISTER HAZEL is going to get me there.. wicked cookie cutter band, not exactly Snow Patrol.. but the heart needs what the heart needs.
But I'm there.
All the confusion and trying to find my step since I moved home, all the questions, all the confusion, the dead from day one relationship (oh shit hope she doesn't ever see that word, she'll lose her mind), the dead from day one JOBS plural.. the time it took to be comfortable again home where I belong, and the confidence that needed to come with it.. it's done.
It took a LOT longer to feel it again coming HOME than it did moving out to the desert. I think mainly because I was willing to accept starting at the bottom when we moved to Vegas, and it wasn't easy to accept pulling in the driveway back here, stepping out of the car and not still being on top.
Truth is, I gave up my top spot when I left all my friends and job behind.. how egotistical was it on my end to think I'd just step right back in and be the BOSS, the CAPTAIN and the STRAW that stirred the drink? No idea why I thought everyone wouldn't forget I left. It was respect I am still earning, bonds maybe that are still being repaired, and a big slap in the yap from reality.
Vegas made me forget loyalty. I made a million friends out there, from every culture imaginable. I had a small handful of friendships that I thought would last forever when I thought Vegas was MY HOME forever..
Today? I am left with THREE people that still live in Vegas who I hope to always know. (Not counting Cora, she's coming HOME soon.)
When Cora and I moved to Vegas, my plan was to break into the casino industry, knowing I would take a pay cut, work hard to advance and had a nest egg to get us by in the meantime.. and I caught a bounce while poker was booming and the rest is well documented. There is no WAY I could look someone in the eye who asks me if I regret the move to Vegas and say yes. I dealt poker on the Las Vegas strip. I dealt poker in a tournament where the top prize was $33,000. Not the WSOP, but still.. it was a ROCK STAR job.
When I moved home, my plan was to goof off with my friends, begin my relationship with whats-her-face and the rest would take care of itself.. right? NO? Wait whatdya mean? Oh this isn't the reunion anymore? This is real life now? Wipe the smirk off your face, accept that no one does anything except on weekends, and GET A REAL JOB?
Originally, it wasn't presented that way.. All smiles, I had the job, had the girl, had a home to myself.. Las Vegas is an oasis in the desert. New England will punch you in the face. Because it's real here. Which IRONICALLY is why I moved home in the first place..
It has taken me almost 8 calendar months to get all of this..
If you GET THE GIRL? She's not the only one here. If it doesn't work, no big deal there are 1000 better. In Vegas.. I dunno, you don't date them, they're crazy thieves and druggies.. (no not ALL of them, of course).
If you GET THE JOB? Make sure it's one you WANT to do, and are CAPABLE of doing.. there are PLENTY of jobs here.. in Vegas, you learn to become a little bitch to your job if you want to keep it. (The 2 jobs I had in Vegas when I moved home were PERFECT for me and fun.)
Now that I am at peace with how I feel about friends, women and work, I'm once again in a place I was at while living in Vegas..
I've got a ton of stuff lined up this summer with great friends who I wouldn't see if I'd stayed in Vegas, I'm back where I was mentally with women while I was in Vegas, meaning I'm not interested in them anymore and great with it, and now I will focus my attention on a career.. this is the first time since 1994 that I haven't had a convertible, and I WANT one again.
See if I can't do some great things for some great friends in the meantime.